A Rush of Blood to the Head

WHEN I’M WEARING MY TRADER JOE’S SHIRT.

Yeah, bitch!

Today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two

The one with old wood creaking that would burn away right on cue

I try to be not like that but some people really suck

Some people need to get the axing chalk it up to bad luck

YOU ARE CAUSING ME SUCH UNNECESSARY FRUSTRATION AND STRESS, YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS AT MICROSOFT.

Dear my boyfriend,

Thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me were really pretty. Just like you said I am.

Love, Meg

I patiently wait for it for to heat up for six whole minutes. I take it out, and the part of the tray that I grabbed it by was broken. MY MAC-N-CHEESE FELL ON MY DOG. Right on her back. Fuck my life. I lost my mac-n-cheese and now I have to give Tilly a bath, which means I might as well give Josie a bath. And I feel bad, but I really don’t think she cared. I’m not sure either of them even realized there was cheese all over her, because they weren’t licking it clean haha.

Oh, and then right after that I went to get a plate out of the pantry and everything fell everywhere.

I think God hates me.

First off, “the A…” sounds weird.

Secondly, I just wanna say that I wish Anthony Jeselnik got to say more than one sentence. He is a funny, funny man.